For those of you that are new to me, I talk a lot about victim mentality and the victim triangle in a lot of the programs that I do. There was a four-part series maybe two years ago with Lynne Forrest on victim mentality, victim consciousness, and the original shows were on Fit 2 Love way in the beginning of Season 1 and Season 2. So, there’s plenty of content to go back to, if this is new to you. So, I don’t really want to go too far into explaining victim mentality. I’ll just briefly say this. There are two ways to look at life. Really, it all boils down to one of two major ways. One is that things happen outside of your control (which is true—things are outside of your control), but things happening to you versus things happening for you. If you believe that you have zero influence over what happens in your life, your life experience, your emotions, your relationships, the things that “happen,” that’s considered victim mentality.

And it’s because, on the flipside, the other belief is to take responsibility for things that happen. Because if you’ve been listening to this show for a while, or you understand quantum physics and law of attraction, you understand that you’re the creator of your own reality. Now, I know many of you have heard that many times. Let me say it again. You are the creator of your own reality. If you buy into that, and if you’re listening to this show and you’re in agreement with law of attraction, you understand it at least at some basic level, you understand that when you think about manifesting, you’re manifesting every day, all day long. Thoughts, feelings, circumstances, people’s reactions. Those are all manifestations. Ideas, inspiration, clarity. Those are all manifestations. If you don’t like what you’re manifesting, then you have to look what your beliefs are that keep you in this frequency of bringing things to you that you don’t like.

When you’re deliberate, and what Abraham would call a deliberate creator, you focus your thoughts, you focus your energy, you create momentum in the direction of what you want, which makes you a deliberate creator versus an unconscious creator. Because we’re all creators. We’re all literally attracting things to us all the time. So, if you believe in law of attraction, and again, there’s nothing to believe and it’s physics, but in case you think that you think this is a religion or a cult of some kind, it’s not. It’s quantum physics. It’s literally the highest science there is about frequency, because everything is energy. If you understand that, I would invite you in this moment to look at your life and ask if you’re living it. “Am I actualizing? Am I embodying this principle that I think I believe?”

Back in 2009, I was writing Fit 2 Love, and I had just released it, and I was talking about law of attraction. I had literally been talking about it, teaching it to my clients who actually didn’t care to learn it, from 2002 to 2009. That’s seven years. And in 2009, during the launch of “Fit 2 Love,” my book, I realized that I had to call bullshit on myself because I wasn’t living it. I was creating this book and a whole marketing plan and videos. I mean, the podcast wasn’t even a thought yet. But I was creating this sort of sequence of success planning that I felt “I’ll be happy when… I’ll be settled when… I’ll feel better… I’ll feel relief when this is all done and I’ve hit this mark.” So, when I had to turn around and had to look at myself, I had to say, “Well, what’s driving this? What’s driving this is not passion and assuredness and knowing. What’s driving my actions is anxiety and fear and wanting to get somewhere, thinking somewhere is better than here.” So, I wasn’t actually living it, and I had to take a hard look at myself and admit that.

So, I took a few steps by unsubscribing to a bunch of coaches that liked to use law of attraction as a gimmick to guilt people and shame them into taking action into things. So, I unsubscribed from them. I also stopped putting myself out there in the world. I thought, “You know what? No. I am going to get in alignment, and I am only going to act when I have a strong impulse and I know it’s coming out of me being aligned.” So, inspired action out of being in alignment. And I practiced that for about a year, and that’s how I understood that “Okay, this is how I’m living it.” And I’m not saying that I do it all the time perfectly either. And there’s no perfect, actually. Contrast, when bad things happen, and you can take a look at it and see how you manifested it, not in a shaming, blaming way, but what does it mean for you? What is the belief system? Where is the energy going? When you can understand that, it becomes clarifying. It provides clarity. It also provides energy. So, the more you want something and the worse you feel about it, you’re literally generating all of this momentum to having it. You’re just in your own way because you’re not in the right frequency to receive it.

All right. Now, that’s a basic law of attraction overview for anyone that’s new to this show. Those of you, this is a good reminder because I’m realizing a lot of you that I’ve been working with, you think you know it, you think you believe it, you’re not living it. Because when you say, “I’m the creator of my own reality,” there is no victim in that. I’m the creator of my own reality, which means I attract things to me of like vibration and frequency. And yes, we all have different belief systems about many things. It’s not an “all or nothing.” In some ways, people can believe… Let’s take Doug for example. Doug has this belief about money and success that he deserves it because his father was super successful, and his mother gave him words of affirmation all the time about he could do anything he wanted, he was successful, she pumped him full, and his love language is words. So, there is nothing that I will do that will scare him. I can get as big, as loud, as different, as out there. I could take risks, and he supports all of it because that’s the way he thinks, that’s the way he’s built.

Now, on other things, there are some beliefs that come from scarcity. So, our beliefs about situations activate different frequencies. So, one person can be super successful financially and be not successful at all in relationships. And on the flipside, people can be super successful in relationships and not be able to make any money. They’re different subjects and you have different beliefs about them, and so therefore, you vibrate differently. And if you’re somebody who recognizes you’re in victim mentality and you like it, then stop listening to this episode because the rest won’t necessarily apply to you. And there’s no judgment there. It’s a choice. If it’s a conscious choice, then that’s cool. From the place of understanding that when we’re in a victim mentality situation and we feel victimized, that literally means we have no power. We are powerless. So, for me, while I do get into victim from time to time because I feel overwhelmed and hopeless at times, I recognize that that’s me being out of alignment, and I do have choice. I do have opportunity. That creates more clarity. It allows me to express and to change my beliefs and to face some of the fears that I have in different areas. So, we all dip in and out of victim, rescuer, and persecuter all the time. But do you stay there, and can you recognize it? And if you know you’re in victim mentality, you can’t feel better. I mean, really, it’s powerless. When you take responsibility for everything, you become powerful, because it means if you created it, you can change it.

And again, none of this comes with shame, guilt, or blame about doing anything wrong. This is not a right and a wrong. Contrast is necessary for you to grow. Without the contrast of my marriage, I would not know any of the things I know or have put into practice. I would not have Doug. I would not have this house. I would not have this business. I would not have the peace of mind that I have. So, you learn your lessons. There’s a phrase that I’ll share with you. I’ve been saying it a lot recently. But you’re either pulled by passion or pushed by pain. And you get to choose. When it’s time for you to make a change, are you the person that waits until you’re in excruciating amount of pain, maybe you get cancer or a disease that forces you to let go of control, or are you someone who can tap into their passion and get pulled by passion? Pulled by passion or pushed by pain. You get to choose.

Now, being pulled by passion does mean you have to break out of certain mindsets and you have to take risks. You have to believe in yourself or believe in whatever it is you’re passionate about in order to take those risks. So, pulled by passion doesn’t mean there’s not bumps along the way or growing pains. That’s what upper limiting is about: recognizing that you only allow in so much love, success, joy, and abundance. And if you want more than that, then you have to expand. And I promise, it will be uncomfortable. It might not be terribly uncomfortable, but it will be uncomfortable because it will be new. It will be being able to receive at a new level which you haven’t been before because there’s something stopping you from believing you deserve it.

Now, I’ve just combined, like, 15 different ideas into the beginning of this just to set the stage for what I’m about to share: the three signs that you’re still in victim mentality. The first one is the word “disappointed.” For those of you that have the feelings and needs list, I know it’s on there. I think I need to rewrite one and I need to take it off. Because let me tell you what disappointed means. If you use the word “disappointment,” like “I’m disappointed,” it is extremely blaming. Disappointed means “I am unhappy that you behaved in a way that doesn’t please me.” “Oh, I’m disappointed in you, because you didn’t act on behalf of what makes me happy. Oh, no, no. You acted on behalf of what makes you happy.” I mean, come on, guys. There couldn’t be more of a blamey word than disappointed. Please don’t use it unless you want to be in victim mentality. Do recognize that no person is going to act with you in mind first. That’s not how we’re wired. We’re wired to seek our own pleasure first. It doesn’t mean it has to hurt you. It doesn’t mean you have to take it personally. It’s not even about you. But when you’re disappointed, the real feeling under that is probably frustrated and sad and maybe angry. There are other words underneath disappointed, but when you use “disappointed,” you point the finger at somebody else for upsetting you.

And let me tell you about victim mentality. No one can upset you, because half the time, what they’re doing is not even about you. You are the creator of your own reality. Everyone is a mirror for you. And the wounds that you feel, the upset that you have comes from your core wounds. End of story. When someone says something to you, I’ve said this many times in some of the groups that we have and one-on-one, let’s take somebody who’s very fast-acting, someone who’s very reliable, someone who’s very organized, and let’s imagine someone says to that person, “You’re a hot mess. You are so disorganized and unreliable,” and that person would think, “Who is she talking about?” or “Who is he talking about? That’s not me at all.” It wouldn’t even hurt because they know it’s not true. When your “feelings” are hurt, it’s because somebody has said something that either you agree with about yourself or that hits a core wound that you have, which then again would make you possibly be afraid it’s true. So, when it comes to using the word “disappointed,” “I’m disappointed in you,” that is extremely shaming and blaming. I’d love everyone to stop using it, because it’s horrible.

I did a show called “The Most Violent Word We Use.” I did it probably first season Fit 2 Love. And the word is “should.” And that’s also very guilt tripping. Not blamey, but the word “should” indicates someone doesn’t have a choice. Like if I say, “You should do this,” it means “I know better than you, and you need to do this or you’re…” whatever, fill in the blank, stupid, lazy, whatever. So, if you want to hear that show, it’s based on Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s work, “Nonviolent Communication.” So, if you’re shoulding yourself and shoulding others (and it happens, I slip up too), try to replace the word, because “should” is very jolting and violent to other people, even when you mean it in the best way. Its vibration isn’t really awesome. And neither is “disapproved.” Disapproving, disappointed. Disappointed is really the word that I want to focus on right now.

Okay. Disappointed. I hope you understand what it means. It means “You have behaved in a way that doesn’t please me.” And you have to laugh, because what if everybody walked around in life and said to you, “Hey, I’m disappointed your behavior because you didn’t consider my feelings when you made the choice that you wanted to make about where you went to school or who you married.” It’s ridiculous. You have to be able to see that’s ridiculous, right? I hope so. So, “disappointed,” scratch it, if you are willing, from your vocabulary, and go a little deeper underneath those feelings, and say, “I’m sad. I’m frustrated. I’m aggravated.” And if you want the feelings and needs list, go to jjflizanes.com/feelingslist, although I will be changing it because I do want to remove this word because I don’t want to perpetuate people using it. Okay, so that’s the first indication, first sign that you’re in victim consciousness is when you want to place the blame of your hurt feelings, your wound being triggered on somebody else, as if it was their fault and they knew and they meant it, because they didn’t.

All right. The next sign that you’re still in victim mentality is thinking that others want to hurt you. And sometimes that comes in the form of labeling, like when you label a group of people. It could be political. All those Democrats, all those Republicans, or the church, or the patriarchy, or people who are whatever, mentally challenged, or narcissists. That’s a huge one I hear all the time. “Well, he’s a narcissist.” The problem with the labels, everybody, is that you become a victim immediately. “Oh, that person is a narcissist.” It’s so funny because it’s all about, when we look at what mental illness is, it’s being out of alignment. And rather than doing a general sweep of a group of people versus making it situational and in the moment means that we missed the opportunity to grow ourselves and we stay stuck in a belief that’s going to continue to manifest conflict and distrust and negative feelings. So, I just encourage you to be careful about throwing labels around at people. There are times where it might add depth. It might be a way to describe tendencies. But what happens with those kinds of labels…

Now, I’ll use astrology, and there are assumptions in astrology, and sometimes I’ll make not the best assumptions, but it’s based on personal experience. It’s not necessarily based on the stars or what a book says. And again, my personal experience is limited because I only know x amount of people in the world. And I’m open to the possibility. But what I try to do with astrology is use it as a benchmark of possibility and also the communication piece. Ultimately, I don’t ever give up on anybody until they give up on themselves. When I see somebody’s chart or their behavior and I think to myself, “What do they really want? What are they struggling with? How do they see the world, and how do they communicate that? And what does that look like? And how is it different than other people? And how is it being misunderstood?”

A couple of weeks ago, I did a show about holding the space. And that’s where, regardless of the category, the label, your astrology, the enneagram, whatever you use to make sense of, justify, validate certain behavioral patterns or habits, I think some of those are less judgy. They’re more trying to figure out how to deal with, how to understand, how to have compassion for it. But when we get into the narcissists and whatever, even calling someone else a victim, I will recognize victim mentality but I also want to always encourage and ask questions to inspire you to take action to get whatever need you have met and to not blame others, because there’s nothing you can do about it. The problem with being in victim mentality is that you cannot control anyone else’s behavior. And when you realize you’re in victim mentality, you might take a look at that your behavior subconsciously is trying to manipulate others to give you what you want without you asking for it. I’ve seen this over and over again in people who aren’t comfortable talking, or they’ll act out, they’ll be emotional, they’ll throw fits, they’ll slam doors, they’ll do things to show emotion, but they’ll never ask clarifying questions about whether they understood what the person was actually saying. They make a lot of assumptions that “Oh, you must have meant this” instead of asking, “This is how I heard you. Is that what you meant?” We make too many assumptions. But being in that victim mentality and that victim mode, if it’s your fault, feels good for half a second, but I promise, you’ll never feel good long term.

So, if you are the kind of person that wants to blame a group of people, or a diagnosis on something, which then justifies your unconscious behavior or your manipulating behavior to try to get what you want without you figuring it out first, I mean, that’s the whole point of… It’s Episode 118, I believe, on Fit 2 Love called “The 3 Steps for Effective Communication,” and that’s where I break down this feelings and needs list into those three steps for effective communication. Because when we come to the table taking responsibility for our thoughts and our feelings and our needs, then you’re not blaming anybody. And that leads me into number three.

So, the third indication or sign that you’re in victim mentality is thinking that when you express yourself, that expressing yourself means telling somebody something they’re not going to like to hear. This has been happening a lot, where quiet people, who don’t share how they feel, think that sharing how they feel means “I’m going to say something negative about somebody else.” No. This goes back to you’re the creator of your own reality. Your feelings, your negative feelings come out of a need or a perception of a need that is not being met. So, when we look at what is the need, you can come to the table with this feelings and needs list. And again, I have a course called “Anatomy of Emotion,” and I go over this in depth on that, and you have a lot of tools in that. You can go to jjflizanes.com if you want to check that out. But when you look at the feelings and needs list, it’s taking ownership of your need, when you own the need. It’s not about the person, the place, the thing, the group of people. It has nothing to do with them. They’ve created the circumstance that has activated this either lack of need getting met or the perception of the need not getting met, but ultimately, it’s not their job to get your need met. It’s your job to get your need met.

So, in the case of relationships, let’s use boundaries for a second, and let’s take back the whole “people are a mirror for you.” So, if people are treating you poorly, the indication is that you treat you poorly. They’ll follow whatever you set out. You’re the guide. You create the map. You’re the one who creates the blueprint for how people treat you. So, instead of blaming others, “I can’t believe he did that to me. I can’t believe he flaked on me, or he stood me up, or he didn’t ask me how I felt,” well, do you ask you how you feel? Do you say no? Do you say, “No, I don’t really want to do that”? Speaking up does not mean speaking at. There’s a difference. And it just keeps happening that people think, “Well, I have all these feelings inside of me.” And you also think your feelings are right. And what I mean by that is like you think that you’ve interpreted the situation and that everybody would agree, and everybody would agree that that person was trying to hurt your feelings or be mean to you, which they wouldn’t.

Here’s the wake-up call, guys. If you have negative feelings inside of you, figure out what your need is. And then, if there’s somebody you want to talk to about it to help you get that need met, even though it’s not their responsibility to get it met for you, but they can contribute. Maybe they’re one choice in your strategy. So, when it comes to marriages or relationships and you want intimacy and you’re not getting it, and you demand it, that’s not the way to get it. Having a conversation about what intimacy means to each person. And are you each knowing each other’s languages? Why are you assuming that when you give them a gift, that they’re going to feel amazing by it? Maybe their love language isn’t gifts. It’s touch, or it’s quality time.

So, again, we break all these different tools down in all of the groups and all of the programs that I do. And I know I’m throwing a lot at you, but I’m just seeing this theme. And maybe I’m talking just to those of you who are in my groups so I can talk to all of you at the same time, because I’ve had this conversation three times in the last week. Speaking up does not mean speaking at or blaming. Before you open your mouth, take responsibility for what your feelings are and what your needs are. And when you’re looking at that list and you think, “I need you to…” nope, you’re not there yet. “I have a need for you to…” Nope, not there yet. “I need them to…” Nope. It’s never about the other person. What is your need? And it’s simple but it’s super deep work and you have to keep going underneath it.

I’ll give you an example of one of the clients I worked with this week, who probably was the last person that was the muse of inspiration to record this today. Situation with her dogs and taking the dog to be watched at the sitter or the kennel, the trainer, and being able to drop them off before work so they could get to work on time, and then the people changing the policy and saying, “We can’t do that anymore. We open at this time.” And the word “disappointed” came up. “I’m disappointed in them.” And I thought, “Okay, here we go.” You’re disappointed at them because they are doing something that makes your life less comfortable. But they’re doing what they need to do. It’s not about you. They didn’t pick you out and say, “Hey, you person, we want to make your life uncomfortable.” They have a policy and they’ve changed the policy, or they don’t want to bend the policy anymore.

Years ago, I had a client who was nervous about overeating (she was on a weight loss plan) at Thanksgiving. And the situation that had happened was that somebody who does Thanksgiving was in the hospital, and she felt all this pressure and anxiety, and then when she feels anxiety, she eats more. So, we broke it down, and I said, “Well, what is your feeling?” And she was nervous, and she was scared, and she was frustrated. And her need was probably again also for ease, because they’ve dumped the whole Thanksgiving dinner on her, like it was her job. So, I said, “Okay, well, you didn’t ask for that, nor did you agree to that. So, let’s look at some strategies to get you out of that. So, you could say no, number one. You could ask for help from somebody else to help you with it. Or you could ask for them to do a potluck. Everybody brings something, and then it’s not a big deal for you.” And I don’t remember which one she chose, but I got a report back after Thanksgiving that she ate very small portions of the foods that she wanted. She felt full and she felt amazing because she didn’t feel like she needed to stuff her feelings down with food. But in her mind, because someone dumped this on her and she didn’t ask for it or agree to it, she just assumed she had to do it. And again, that’s coming from the victim mentality of that “Someone told me I have to.” Who cares what someone told you? Did you agree to it?

So, when we come out of that and we see how we could help ourselves, we have to be the example for others of caring for ourselves, of saying “I’m important. I have feelings too.” But it’s not an attack on them. Even if they’re mean to you, even if they’re not nice to you, if you were to heal some of these wounds, you could see the truth that the reason why they’re acting the way they’re acting is based on their core wounds, because they feel out of control, or they feel abandoned, or they feel like they’re not good enough. I promise you, it’s never about you. Even when they say it’s about you, it’s still not about you. And that’s this work.

So, let me go over them quickly again. The three signs you’re still in victim mentality is you’re using that damn word “disappointed.” Please stop. I mean, I don’t care, obviously because I don’t know you and I won’t see you, but just keep that in the back of your mind. That’s blamey. You’re being a victim when you say, “I’m disappointed in you.” Oh my god, it’s so shaming. Please don’t do it to your children either, because of course, your children are not going to act on behalf of you first. They’re going to act on them first. And again, being responsible for your own emotions and then teaching others, children, spouses, parents, siblings, co-workers, clients, how to break down and clarify what’s really going on, you’ll find that most of your arguments are two people having different needs, but assuming that everybody knows everybody’s position. So, what’s the saying? “Assuming makes an ass out of you and me.” Yeah, remember that. So, anytime you go to just make a judgment or an assumption, please seek to understand versus seek to be understood. Ask more questions. Seek to understand. I promise, if you lean into seek to understand more than seek to be understood, half the stuff you feel and the things you want to say will shift and change.

The second is using labels, name-calling, and thinking that others are out to hurt you, that others are even thinking about you, they’re even considering you. They’re not. Most of the time, they’re not. I mean, it’s happened in this house a couple of times where, let’s say, I want to eat dinner and Doug is late. And it’s funny because when this happened in reverse, I didn’t even bring that up, because I wanted to say to him, and if this was my last relationship, I would have absolutely come back defensive and said, “Well, remember when you did it to me?” But I did not do that. There was a situation where I ran out to go get some products from somebody and I ended up talking to them for a while, and I came back and it was later than we normally eat. And Doug forgot that I had left, even though I told him. I texted him and told him I was leaving. He assumed I was in my office. So, when I got back, he was so mad, because he was like, “It’s so late.” And what his need was was to eat. He was hungry and he was frustrated. And even though he was mad at me for not telling him, and feeling like I was being inconsiderate, even though I did tell him I was going but he forgot, I just said, “I’m sorry.” Because I understood he was frustrated. It’s happened to me, so I get it. But I did not slap that back in his face. I just said, “I’m sorry. I did tell you. I’m sorry I didn’t remind you. I’m sorry that I’m a little later than I thought I would be. And yes, next time, I will make sure to… You could just eat on your own.” And we kind of have a new rule anyway that if anyone is going to be later than 7:00, we eat by ourselves because we don’t want to eat too late.

So, again, you can’t assume someone else knows what you’re thinking or feeling or interpreting. I promise, you all have different levels of interpretation, and the other person does not see it the way you see it. So, when you automatically assume someone hurt your feelings, they are not trying to. If you slip into victim, come out and say, “What’s my need?” and then ask questions. Clarify. Say, “Hey, when you said that, this is what I heard. Is that what you meant?” And they’ll probably say, “No, not at all. That is not what I meant.” Okay? So, please, seek to understand.

And number three, think that your expressing your emotions equals saying something mean to somebody or blaming somebody or making someone else responsible. If that’s how you feel, while I want most of you…that withdrawal and don’t speak up, I do want you to speak up. But I don’t want you to speak up in a blaming victim way because it’s going to backfire. You’re going to blame somebody for how you feel, thinking you’re doing a good thing by expressing yourself, which you’re not, and then you’re going to be taught that that’s going to be met with defensiveness, and they’re going to yell back, and then you’re going to climb back up again and think, “Well, expressing myself isn’t safe because they didn’t hear me.” Well, no one is going to hear you when you’re blaming them. You shouldn’t be blaming anybody. There’s my should. It’s not smart, it’s not wise, it doesn’t serve you to blame anyone, almost ever.

And I guess the last thing I’ll say, besides of course telling you that if you’ve been struggling with this for a while, and maybe you’ve taken some of my courses, and maybe you’ve done some coaching with me or somebody else or have therapists, and if your life isn’t shifting, if it isn’t changing, we do have a few tickets left. I could squeeze a couple more people in to “Awaken Your Dream Life.” And I’m probably not going to do an event next year. I’m feeling very called to take some space. In fact, I think in January, I might not even publish any podcasts, and then I might come back in February and do twice a month, like every other week instead of every week.

Because I am feeling a need for space, I am feeling a need for a shift, and I need to change my pattern of behavior in order to achieve that. And I need to dedicate some more time to myself and other projects and things I want to work on. So, at this moment, I’m not going to be doing a live event next year, and I’m going to be doing an every other week podcast release starting in February. I’m probably going to take all of January off. But we will see. I might just do two podcasts in January. But it feels really good right now to take some time off. So, maybe that will happen end of December. Who knows? But things are going to change a little bit. So, please know that it’s coming that I will be reducing the amount of episodes I put out on this show in 2023.

“Awaken Your Dream Life.” We’d love to see you. I’m just ready to work with those of you that are brave, courageous, ready for change, ready to take control of your life. I’m definitely not interested in anybody that wants to stay stuck to their story, stuck in their patterns. So, if you are someone ready to explode in 2023 and do things differently and be different and have different in a good way, where you’re unlayering some of these bad habits, I’d love to see you there. Reach out if you need some help financially. It’s not free, but I can definitely work with you to get you there if you’re committed. So, please, only those committed apply and reach out. I hope today has done something for you.

I know I feel pretty passionate about it, and I might sound very teachery, strong, in your face, kind of about it. But that’s okay. That’s me. And sometimes I think this is a safer place to do that because you know I’m not talking to you directly, and so maybe you can hear it differently. Not to mention I’m not a sugar coater kind of person. Because I feel like I want to carpe diem, like take life by the balls, like live right now. Why would you need to suffer for five more years when you have opportunity in front of you to make changes now? That’s how I am. I know that’s not how everybody is. But I am definitely pulled by passion. I have been pushed by pain also. We all do both of them. But I’m trying to make a conscious effort to not let pain be what motivates me, but the passion. So, hopefully, that inspires you to look at what makes you passionate, and hopefully, you’ll get pulled by passion and make some big changes, take some out-of-the-comfort-zone choices soon, and take this work and run with it. Bye, guys.