JJ: Welcome, everyone, to the show. I’m JJ Flizanes.

Doug: And I am Doug Sandler because you’re JJ and the other me is already taken. Oscar Wilde said, “There’s only room for one of us.” Wait a minute. No.

JJ: Wow.

Doug: How does that work?

JJ: You had coffee this afternoon?

Doug: What does Oscar Wilde say? He says, “Be yourself. Everyone else is taken.”

JJ: I think that’s the right quote. I’m glad we got it right.

Doug: I got it now. I got it.

JJ: So…

Doug: Yeah, you go. It’s your show.

JJ: Do you have more to say, dear?

Doug: No. Of course, I have more to say. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t wait to hear what I have to say.

JJ: It’s always a mystery.

Doug: It’s always a mystery to me, too. Filterless.

JJ: Open the mic, and just stand back.

Doug: Yep. Here we go.

JJ: So, today’s show, I wanted to focus on the shadow side of your love language.

Doug: Ooh. Only the shadow knows.

JJ: Okay. That one doesn’t work either.

Doug: Well, it’s a reference to something that happened a long time ago. You wouldn’t know. It was an old show.

JJ: Before me?

Doug: Yeah, well before you.

JJ: Okay.

Doug: The ‘80s.

JJ: Well, I think my audience… It was in the ‘80s?

Doug: Yeah, it was in the ‘80s.

JJ: Yeah, I think a lot of millennials. Well, I know it goes all over the map in terms of everybody’s ages. So, maybe try references of now where we’re all living.

JJ: Netflix?

Doug: Yeah.

JJ: Television?

Doug: Yeah, television, that moving box.

JJ: Smart TV?

Doug: The whole time.

JJ: For those of you that don’t know what the hell he’s talking about, when Doug was back in Maryland for a couple of weeks, there were nights where I thought, “You know, I’m just going to go watch some Netflix.” And I don’t want to watch a show that we’re watching together. And I’m running out of shows to watch, and I asked on Facebook for recommendations. And I gave everybody my genre of I don’t want anything gory, nothing self-deprecating, nothing really political. I want it to be light and fluffy like Jane the Virgin and Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.

Doug: We saw Jane the Virgin. She was right on…

JJ: Oh, yeah. We actually saw the actress.

Doug: Yeah.

JJ: I apologize I don’t know her name off the top of my head. But she was coming out of a restaurant, and she was driving a Ford.

Doug: Wait a minute. Was she pregnant?

JJ: I don’t remember.

Doug: That would be kind of ironic for a virgin to be pregnant—Mary—but whatever.

JJ: So you didn’t actually watch the show, so you don’t know the… You watched, like, two episodes. But anyway, as we digress off to a very, very long tangent in a different direction, shadow side of love languages. The reason why I’ve been wanting to talk about this is because, in working with love languages and clients and couples and us, it’s very apparent that when, for instance, Doug Sandler, your love language number one is words of affirmation…

Doug: Yes.

JJ: And so, I’ve noticed over the last year and a half that when I say something… Let’s put those things in three categories.

Doug: Okay.

JJ: There’s positive, negative…

Doug: And neutral.

 JJ: …and neutral.

Doug: Right.

JJ: So, I’ve noticed that even when I see something neutral, that you are a little offended by it. You take it personally, and it is a wound.

Doug: Wait. I don’t get offended by it, but the second part of that comment is I take it personally. That’s 100% the truth. But at least I realize, when you’re saying it, that I’m taking it personally.

JJ: It’s funny because you’ll make a joke about it, like you’ll swear at me or call me a name or something when I’m not positive. You accept positive. You love positive. You take in positive. You receive it. But if it isn’t positive, it’s almost like you fight back.

Doug: Let us have an example of this, JJ Flizanes, so that we all know what you are talking about, because I’m not sure I understand. I am taking this personally.

JJ: Okay. I don’t know. I mean, there’s been many situations, although I’ve learned quickly after doing it a handful of times…

Doug: Infinite.

JJ: …not to do it, or try not to do it. But there have been times where maybe, let’s say, a decision that you made wasn’t like a good one.

Doug: It’s so rare. So, what are you saying? So maybe we go in a different direction.

JJ: So, I might have said, “Well, that wasn’t smart.” And that is like daggers to you.

Doug: Gosh. That hurt me just roleplaying that at me.

JJ: Right. Exactly.

Doug: Okay.

JJ: But I was talking about the decision, not you. There’s a difference. I wasn’t saying, “Doug Sandler, you’re bad. Doug Sandler, you’re stupid.” I said, “That decision wasn’t a smart one about whatever it was in the situation.” It was like in context.

Doug: All right. Whatever. Can we move on now?

JJ: No.

Doug: This is the whole topic of the show?

JJ: This is the whole topic of the show.

Doug: Dammit. Okay. Can we move on to somebody else, though, instead of me? Because you know how words affect me.

JJ: Yes, we can talk about me.

Doug: Oh, great. My second favorite subject to talk about.

JJ: But I want people to be aware that while the love language conversation can be very powerful, when you recognize that you and your spouse or lover or partner, whatever, or kids or parents or anyone, friends…

JJ: …has a different love language than you do…

Doug: Right.

JJ: And this is important to know so that you don’t take things personally, and so that you can ask for what it is you need in the way that you want it, and also give to others in a way that they need it. Like when you want to give love, you want to check in that it’s being received.

Doug: Okay. So, you’ve shown the example of words of affirmation. But what would be the antithesis or the shadow side of all of the other love languages, for example?

JJ: So, for me, besides touch, quality time is a big one. And I have a thing about people showing up for me. And I think it’s important. In fact, I know I’ve said to certain people, like for an ex-cousin, let’s say, doing a play, and I was in the theater, and she’s young, and she was in school, and we were invited, and we could go, and I said, “Well, we should go.” “Well, why?” “Because it’s the right thing to do.” You show up. She’s doing a play. She’s on stage. She’s performing. She wants an audience. We’re relatives, and we should go.

Doug: So, in this particular case, if acts of service is the love language, the fact that you do it is a positive. The fact that you don’t do it, is it that much more of a negative? So it’s not just seen as “Okay, so they just didn’t show up.” It’s seen as an offensive thing?

JJ: Yeah.

Doug: So you’re saying…

JJ: I’m thinking of something that triggered me. This was probably the downfall of my last relationship. But there was a moment where I was sort of abandoned, and it hurt so much that I…

Doug: I remember that whole situation. Is that the one you were telling me about the wedding situation?

JJ: Yep.

Doug: Yeah. I remember that one.

JJ: Yep.

Doug: Interesting story. You really got offended by that.

JJ: And it’s amazing to look back at it because, again, there’s where there’s a breakdown in communication because for one person, it’s like not a big deal. “Why is it a big deal?” And for the other person, it’s a huge deal. And I felt abandoned. And history was not going to repeat itself, meaning like something had happened, a life event, and I missed it, and I wasn’t included. I was forgotten about. I wasn’t asked to join. I was literally freaking abandoned. And so, when my love language is quality time, the hurt went pretty deep. However, I did recover quickly the next day and decided to let it go, and move on, and celebrate, and be present. However, my partner at the time did not know how to handle that because I basically did a flip. I was so offended and so hurt, and then the next day, I decided to put it aside to celebrate and move on. And he was left going, “I don’t know what you’re doing right now, because you were like ridiculously upset and mad, and now you’re acting as if nothing has happened.” And I said, “Well, I made a decision to let it go and to move on, because there’s nothing we can do about it right now, and I’m not going to ruin the moment.”

JJ: I didn’t get over it. I decided to make the best of it. And let’s go back to it was really fun in a way, I guess in a sick way. When I was having the negative emotions, I was sharing them with family who was with me in the car. And first, it was anger. And then I talked myself through it to be an example of how to process emotion, and I basically said, “The truth is I’m hurt. I’m sad and upset that I was left. It was just sad because my interpretation was I was abandoned and rejected.” And then I cried. And I cried openly in front of people.

Doug: Okay. Now, we have people that are going to be listening to this in our community that will be saying, “Well, yeah, that’s for the other person to deal with.” Now, as the person that’s the giver of those feelings, how should you act and how should you react? Because knowing that somebody’s love language, if you’ve been listening to JJ for any extended period of time, you know these five love languages are extremely important as a way that if you show up this way in the relationship, your partner’s cup will be filled with love if you’re able to do that. But you’re talking about the recipient of this, or are you talking about the giver of this? Because we have to be mature enough, as partners in the relationship, to know that they aren’t going to have… It’s like they don’t have the script. They don’t know how to react or act.

JJ: Right.

Doug: So it’s up to us to be responsible with this power that we have in our hands of understanding that you know that my love language is words of affirmation. You being neutral or negative is going to have a detrimental effect on me. Now, how you choose to now act, that’s completely up to you.

JJ: Okay. And it’s also up to you to heal some of the wounds that get triggered when you have a negative response.

Doug: I know that. But you and I can have that conversation, and I’m mature enough to be able to hear it a lot better than I was maybe a year or two ago. But many of those that are in our community that are listening to this, they don’t have a partner that is where they are in the growth stage or in the learning stage. So, how are they supposed to deal with it?

JJ: Well, to go back to how I handled it, there wasn’t screaming or yelling or anything like that. What I thought was being done to me, I did the same, so I abandoned. I was supposed to pick them up, and I didn’t. I went back to the place, and I put myself on the closet with a blow-up bed, and I slept there by myself, and I said nothing. Because I was seething. I was like ridiculously hurt and upset. And maybe I took a bath in the Jacuzzi and had some wine. But not the whole bottle. I didn’t abuse it. But I was super sad. And then the next day, there was lots of stuff going on. So, when you’re the person… Let’s bring it back to our relationship. So, in the case of I know your love languages.

JJ: Words of affirmation. And when I can tell that you are hurt by a neutral comment, let alone a slightly negative comment, even though, again, not negative about you, Doug Sandler, but negative about whatever, I’m cautious about that. And I believe I don’t do it quite as much, but there are times where maybe it happens and we have a dialogue about it. So, I have an awareness about (and I don’t mean this in a mean way, but) your shortcomings, if you will, your wounds.

Doug: You’re not hurting me. Those are my wounds.

JJ: So, you have a wound.

Doug: I got it.

JJ: You’re sensitive in this area. And I try, to the best of my ability, to be conscious of that without catering to your weakness really, but also being mindful. And so, I’m conscious of the choices. And if I say something, I think I’ve apologized. When did we have that argument? We had an argument when you were back in Baltimore and we were talking about moving, and about money, and about the businesses that we’re involved in, and about creating new products and classes and things for people in the podcast space. And I got all excited because I saw that as a path to freedom, and you were already doing so many things, and you were so overwhelmed.

Doug: Oh, gosh. I got overwhelmed. Yeah.

JJ: And you didn’t say no, but I was pushing you too hard. And when it was over, and it didn’t necessarily end very well, I reflected and I apologized. I said, “I’m sorry that I pushed you, and I just got excited, and we interpret things differently. I know you’re overwhelmed. I can see you’re overwhelmed. And I’m also coming out of a fear-based place right now, but what I had in my mind was a solution to that, so I got excited and wanted you to get on board.” So, in that case…

Doug: I was on board with the excitement about the situation, but I came out of a relationship. And again, I’m looking at just my past relationship, my two-and-a-half-year marriage, with a five-year relationship before then. I came out of that where she would constantly say, “I want to do this. I want to do this. I want to do this,” and I’m like, “Which one of these do you want to do, and which one are you serious about?” Because it was the whole puppy dog conversation we had in the car, and she’s like, “When we get a dog…” And then she kept moving on, and I’m like, “Hold up. Did we ever even have a conversation about having a dog?” It’s not that I don’t want a dog, but it’s just like she put the dog in the story, and I’m like, “Are you serious about this?”

So, when you had that conversation with me about business and your excitement… And yes, I get excited about it, too. But just like tonight when we were coming home from dinner, you mentioned three or four things that you wanted to do prior to us going out tonight, and I thought, “Wow. What sense of lack of timing do you actually have?” Because when are we putting all these things in that we’re going to do? You wanted to take a nap. You wanted to record an episode. You wanted to finish the slideshow. And then you wanted to go dancing. And I was thinking, “I just am exhausted already, and we haven’t even started anything yet.” So, for me, it’s like, “Wow. I’m running into my past again where…” I’m not saying this in a… What you did tonight was nowhere near what would happen all the time in my past relationship, and it would infuriate me. Maybe because of a wound that I had, not because of her excitement, but because maybe she was triggering something in me that reminded me or further irritated the wound that I already had. So I thought, “Oh my gosh. I feel like I’m in overwhelm when you brought this whole thing up with the business and all these other things.” And all I wanted to say was “Hey, I’m not there with you yet.” And I didn’t know how to process it.

Doug: Oh, okay. All right.

JJ: When you were in Maryland, you said, “I’m not there yet.”

Doug: Okay.

JJ: And I couldn’t comprehend that.

Doug: Yeah, you kept going.

JJ: I was like, “I don’t understand. What do you mean you’re not there? How could you not be there with me? I’m talking about things you do every day. This isn’t anything new.” Anyway… But it wasn’t the point of the content. It was you emotionally being overwhelmed…

Doug: Right.

JJ: …and not wanting to think about anything on your plate that wasn’t what you already had… You had lots of stuff going on. You hadn’t come to San Diego yet. You had another party to do. You had to fly back to Baltimore. There was still so much on your plate.

Doug: Oh my god. Yes. I still had 30 days’ worth of shit that was going on in my life, and I’m like, “I just need to push the Pause button for 30 days because I already go into overwhelm mode.” Because I always throw additional things. It’s like I’m throwing things at me. Now you’re throwing things at me, too. I’m like, “No, no, no. Just stop. Hold the fort.” And I was not mature enough to be able to, at that moment. Yes, I might have said those words, “Can we just press Pause for a moment?” I probably handled it in a way that was more reactionary and emotional than I should have, and I felt bad for just stopping you, because I never like to stop the momentum of excitement. As we talked about at dinner tonight, I should just allow and accept who I am, where I am. Or not who I am, but I should accept the situation as it is, and just let it happen. What did we call it at dinner tonight? I should not be receiving. I should be…

JJ: Let go of resistance.

Doug: Resist. I shouldn’t be resistant.

JJ: Be resistance-free.

Doug: Yeah, exactly. Those were such good words. That should just be my mantra for the next month. “Be resistance-free.” Not that you have to say yes, but just be resistance-free. And I think that when you are that way, a lot of those trigger moments, no matter what, whether you’re words of affirmation or gifts or quality time or touch or acts of service… Did I say that one right? Whatever it is that you are, just be non…

JJ: Resistant.

Doug: …resistant.

JJ: But it’s more than that. I mean, for you, I understand what you’re saying. And everyone, that’s why we’re doing the boot camp. It’s about letting go of resistance. When you get out of your own way, stuff just falls into place. The universe knows what you want. When you’re in a good place, it’ll just fall on your lap. You don’t have to try. You don’t have to push. And when something is coming at you that you want to resist, it’s a clear message of some kind. Yes?

JJ: Yeah, you’re a very positive guy.

Doug: I’m a very positive guy. I’m not saying that to get words of affirmation from you, but I just want to prove a point to you.

JJ: Yeah, right.

Doug: I’m a very positive guy. And for being such a positive guy, why my initial instinct on so many things is no, it’s almost like that is the antithesis of who I am.

JJ: All right. But do you know why you do it?

Doug: No, I don’t. Do you?

JJ: Yes.

Doug: Okay. Why?

JJ: Well, the reason why you say no to some things is because you don’t feel like you know what to do, and you don’t want to fail, and you don’t want to look stupid, and you don’t want to under-deliver, and you don’t want someone to get mad at you.

Doug: Well, there’s a difference between being resistance-free and saying yes. Being resistance-free is allowing the message to come to you and receive it. Saying no is something that immediately just says, “Yeah, but…” And how many of us get caught in that “Yeah, but I don’t have time. Yeah, but it’s not going to fit my schedule. Yeah, but I don’t have money. Yeah, but…”? How many people want to come to your conference, your… What do you officially call it?

JJ: It’s the manifestation boot camp.

Doug: Okay, but what do you call it?

JJ: It’s a retreat.

Doug: Retreat. How many people want to come to your retreat? And I’ve even heard you had conversations with them on the phone, and their response to you is “Yes, I want to come, but…” Everything that is about to happen in that conversation is now what? Resistance.

Doug: It’s the reason why they can’t come. And I’m not selling the retreat. I’m just selling the idea that why, in general, are people…they had this resistance.

JJ: Okay. So, resistance, in itself, is something that you can use as contrast. And contrast is important. This is what we teach in law of attraction. You’re never going to have a life without contrast. It’s how we approach it, and it’s the amount of resistance. And that has to do with protecting your wounds, staying in your comfort zone. That has to do with fear of failing. That has to do with fear of being worthy enough. It all stems back to that. And I’ve been doing a lot of coaching with everybody who has been on the different webinars, and some of you reaching out to me. And I get to know more and more of you every day and every week and every month. And some of you know I’ve been taking the imago work and doing it with individuals. Because if we’re looking at “How are were going to fix some of these patterns in our lives? How are we going to heal what’s really driving all of this?” the answer is in the core wounds from your childhood. End of story. And looking at things like love language.

But wanting to take the love language conversation a step further into what I think is also healing, because if you’re in a situation, whether it be a marriage or a partnership or your mother, father, siblings, or children, if you’re feeling a lack of love, or they’re feeling a lack of love from you, the love language conversation can very quickly teach you how to change behavior towards that person when you want them to feel love for you, because you’re going to do something that’s not your love language but is theirs. And that’s a great step to make connection because the person actually feels your love when you speak their love language. Now, that doesn’t mean that we don’t have wounds underneath that. That’s why I wanted to talk about the shadow side of love language because it’s not as simple as “Well, you need to speak my love language.” Because then the reverse of that is even worse, right? As I’m realizing that over time, when people didn’t show up for me, it was a deal-breaker. Literally a deal-breaker. And for you, when someone is not nice to you or says something negative to you, it’s like “I don’t want to be around that person.” It can be a deal-breaker, but it doesn’t have to be.

Doug: And even take it to a further extreme. It’s not when they don’t say something nice. It’s when they say nothing at all. Sometimes that could be a deal-breaker for me, too. I can remember doing some activity or part of my job, and I was not acknowledged for it, and I felt really offended that I wasn’t acknowledged for it as much as I had gone through the toil of doing this task. And for me, every time I’m not acknowledged, I have to recognize the fact that my love language is words of affirmation. And for me, when somebody doesn’t say them, it doesn’t mean that they don’t appreciate me. We went through this whole thing earlier in our relationship when I had moved to California, and you would leave the house, and you wouldn’t say goodbye. And we went through this whole thing. And I really got offended when you left the house. I mean, you might have said goodbye, but you didn’t say like one final goodbye before you left the house. You wouldn’t even…

JJ: I didn’t want to wake you up.

Doug: Of course. I get it.

JJ: It was early.

Doug: I know. I understand. I’m beyond that right now. But as it happened still, my head is so into the fact that, of course, I know she loves me. She just left. Like today, I think you left the house at some point. I’m like, “Oh, did she leave?” I didn’t realize you left. And it’s funny. So, for me, it’s not like negative words hurt me. It’s like sometimes no words hurt me as well.

Doug: Well, I think that over the last year, you have trained me, and I have trained myself very well not to expect that yours might not be words of affirmation. It’s quality time and touch. Those are your two top love languages. Words of affirmation may be third, may even be fourth.

JJ: No, it’s third.

Doug: It’s third. Okay. So, for me, it’s like when you do something, I’m like, “I understand why. This is not her love language. It’s mine. And it’s okay.”

JJ: Well, I think that you’ve done a great job. And I love that you have recognized that you can tell yourself that “Yes, she loves me. This isn’t because she doesn’t love me,” and talk yourself out of feeling offended or taking it personally.

Doug: I don’t feel offended at all anymore. Still, it’s one of those things where sometimes I giggle a little bit.

JJ: Right.

Doug: Like “Oh, she’s gone.”

JJ: Right.

Doug: “And she’s out.”

JJ: Right. I’m thinking about my mom and about some family drama, and I’m remembering when… My mother, it’s funny because I believe her love language is gifts.

Doug: Your mom’s love language is totally gifts.

JJ: Right? Okay. Right. But I think her second is words. It’s definitely not quality time. I mean, I would think it’s also acts of service, but I really think it’s words. And here’s why: because she is very hurt by words, and she’s of the belief (and I know you are, too) that if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it at all, and that it’s very wounding. Someone’s words are very wounding. And I always look at her like, “Mom, do you know what the other person is going through to say something like that? Do you know how hurt they are, how angry they are, how fearful they are?” And there’s a saying Dr. Marshal Rosenberg says at the beginning of Nonviolent Communication. We know this as a child. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” But that’s to really keep us at this understanding that it’s about our interpretation of words. It’s about our interpretation. It’s about our needs, our feelings, into that whole thing. And so, when my mother never gets that, when she never really understands what I’m talking about, about understanding how someone else…it’s very victimizing, I realize that I think her second love language is words of affirmation.

So, I wanted to bring this up because for those of you, like Doug and my mother, whose words of affirmation are in one of your top two and someone says something negative to you, I want you just to notice when you’re hurt by it, when you’re offended by it, when you want to defend yourself, when you want to put something up and say, “No, no, no,” and maybe fight back, that that is still a wound you can heal. It doesn’t mean you have to change your love language. It doesn’t mean that you’re bad because you have a shadow side. We all have a shadow side of our love language. And when someone does that shadow side… For me, it’s not showing up or abandoning me in some way when you’re expected, not coming with me to some important event. I didn’t get mad at you when you didn’t come to my cousin’s wedding because I knew that you were…because you didn’t choose to. But had you chosen not to come, oh my god, deal-breaker for me. But I recognize that that’s not your love language, so I have to make a decision about whether or not I think that’s a deal-breaker.

JJ: Gifts are not even on your radar.

Doug: They’re not even on my radar. If there was another love language, that would be better than gifts. That would be the sixth love language. I’m telling you, look at the love language, look at the opposite of that language, and figure out what it is that is offensive to you. Yes, if your love language is gifts, they show up without a gift, that’s not good. You ask somebody to do something like empty the dishwasher, and you’re acts of service, and you get home and that dishwasher is not emptied, you are fucking pissed. And it’s not that big a deal. It’s somebody that just forgot. I forget shit all the time.

JJ: Right. But just like the words, and just like…

Doug: Yes.

JJ: That person who’s acts of service who asks somebody to take the stuff out of the dishwasher, and they didn’t do it, now means to that person, “I’m not important to you. You don’t care how I feel. You never listen to me. You don’t respect me.” All of a sudden, we’re going to enter in all these negative things because they didn’t do what you asked them to do.

Doug: Try withholding a hug from somebody that is touch.

JJ: Oh. I’ve been there. And I will say that, again, this is why I want you to recognize, everybody, that there’s both sides, and so just take it with a grain of salt. I told this story before. One of my good friends has moved away. She came back. And when I saw her itinerary, I was not really in it. I was invited to one thing, and then there was all this going around, eating here, eating there, going to visit this place, going to this museum. And I thought, “I don’t want to do all that shit.” And I did get a little hurt, like sad, and I thought to myself, “Wait a minute. Her love language isn’t quality time. It’s gifts.” So I thought, “Oh, well, this is just a misunderstanding. She loves you, because when she travels, she sends you little things.” A pen, chocolate, a scarf, stickers. Wherever she goes in the world, she sends you little stuff, which I see is her love language. I don’t feel like “Oh my god. This is so amazing. I can’t believe she’s thinking about me.” I don’t say that to myself. I recognize it’s her love language. What would mean more to me is to carve out a half a day just to spend with me in the spa or doing something like that. So, I want you to be aware of that because it really is. It’s a place where you get butt hurt the most is probably the opposite of your love language. It’s when you don’t have whatever your love language is done to you. So, we’ve already reviewed gifts.

JJ: When it doesn’t happen.

Doug: Yeah.

JJ: Yeah. It’s what to do when it doesn’t happen. You want to know where you get the most “hurt”? It’s the opposite of your love language. It’s the shadow side of your love language.

Doug: So true.

JJ: So, we went over gifts. And I did a whole Valentine’s Day. I did a couple. We did one, I think, on Valentine’s Day. I’ve done at least three shows about Valentine’s Day, and I get all my needs met. I go get a massage. I buy myself flowers and gifts. I take the day off and spend quality time with myself.

Doug: Good luck.

JJ: I do all the things. I don’t even need you. I’m kidding. I would love to do all those things with you, but I never need. In fact, I believe this Valentine’s Day, I took you to lunch. We went to lunch in Manhattan Beach and had an ocean view lunch. I absolutely did. I remember the whole thing. Okay. Anyway, so that’s gifts. Oh, the other thing about gifts, which is funny, is that some people whose love language is gifts aren’t good gift-givers.

Doug: Well, because they’re willing to pick up anything and give that to somebody thinking that “Oh, this is going to be cherished by them.”

JJ: Like my mother is a good gift-giver because she knows me. And even though sometimes she used to buy me gold shoes, like gold sneakers, one in every 10 times, I’m like, “Mom, what are you thinking here?” But for the most part, nine out of 10 things, she gets it right. It’s good.

Doug: The gift cards are the best. Those are the best gifts.

JJ: Gift cards are the best, but she does a good job. But then I’m thinking of other people.

Doug: What did I say the other night, last night?

JJ: “I miss your mother.”

Doug: I said, “I miss your mother.”

JJ: I said, “You miss my mother? Why do you miss my mother?”

Doug: Because I just spent a month with mine. I love you, Mom.

JJ: Neither one are listening.

Doug: JJ’s mom, I love you too.

JJ: Neither one are listening. But yeah, it’s funny because even though your love language might be gifts, there are some people who really appreciate a well-thought-out gift and go, “Wow. You know me so…”

Doug: So you’re saying not only is there the love language, there’s the shadow of the love language, but there is the multiplier of the love language, too. So, any of those things: extra words, extra touch, extra gifts, extra acts of service, and extra quality time.

JJ: Well, doesn’t it feel good…

Doug: Yes.

JJ: …when someone does something that you like and want?

Doug: And then they do it again, and they do more, and they won’t stop.

JJ: And they’re paying attention.

Doug: Yes.

JJ: They’re actually paying attention. They’re not just doing something. Okay, so we went through gifts. All right. Acts of service would be sort of the dishwasher.

Doug: We talked about all these already. We just went through all of them. We can do them again if you want.

JJ: Did we?

Doug: Let’s review. The non-emptied dishwasher.

JJ: We did words.

Doug: The non-hug.

JJ: Okay.

Doug: The negative word.

JJ: All right.

Doug: The lack of spending time with you.

JJ: Okay. I just wanted to go over it again because we’ve spent a lot of time, you know. It’s been an interesting day.

Doug: And the Valentine’s Day where the gift doesn’t show up. We did it. Did it, done it.

JJ: All right.

Doug: Been there.

JJ: Okay.

Doug: Yes, I carried it through. I am JJ Flizanes. Thank you for listening.

Doug: Oh, come on.

JJ: Except if they’re new to the show and have never listened before.

Doug: JJ could be a boy, you know.

JJ: Absolutely. I went to school with two JJ’s.

Doug: And my son’s friend is a…

JJ: I know.

Doug: My friend’s son. So many things.

JJ: I know. So, that was the shadow side of love language. And Doug is stuck in something that was an epiphany tonight when we were having dinner, about the guys, because you said they’re going to be successful.

Doug: I’m blown away by that. You know, it’s amazing. Think about it this way. If anything that you heard on this show today is like “Oh my god. I totally get it,” and it completely can really…it could be that transformational moment as that one doctor who wanted me to have a trans… What was it? Weren’t you just transformed? Anyway, it’s very surprising to me, as I’m a full ass grown adult, when I find something new about myself that I had no idea.

JJ: You’re welcome.

Doug: And the whole resistance thing, it’s just amazing to think of I just need to be a little bit more resistance-free.

JJ: But isn’t it wonderful to have a partner to reflect back to you exactly why you have resistance, because I’m paying attention and because I understand?

Doug: It is. It’s very nice to be able to say, “I wonder… Yeah, there was some overwhelm in there. There was some overwhelm. What is it about him?” Because we did an analysis about him, right? Didn’t that how it started?

JJ: Yeah. No, you said, “They’re going to be very successful.”

Doug: Oh, yeah.

JJ: And I said, “Because they’re resistance-free.” And you went, “Well, I want to be resistance-free.” And you go, “Why am I not resistance-free?” And I said, “Because you get overwhelmed, but you also work it out.”

Doug: You know what, the first thing I want to do when I hear something like that is like, “I have to call Joe and tell him he’s resistance-free, and he should be very proud of that.” Because those are my words. I want to share that with him, because I’m like, “Hey, do you know why you’re successful? Part of it is because you’re resistance-free.” The other side of it is his partner is very much the same way.

JJ: Yeah.

JJ: Right.

Doug: Lord.

JJ: And when you deal with the amount of numbers and testing that they do, you never take anything personally. You just keep retesting and keep re-tweaking. And too often, people who are in business, especially entrepreneurs, are very attached to their product because it’s like a reflection of themselves. And so, if it doesn’t sell or if it doesn’t work, they think they’re a failure, and then people go through this... And it’s just like all about numbers. And when you get to that place where it’s about testing and numbers, none of it is personal.

Doug: So, how did Edison invent the light bulb? Very slowly, because he went through like a thousand trials and tribulations before he actually invented it. It’s like, “Aah! I’m so resistant.”

JJ: Well, we could have done another episode on that whole topic, but you’re so excited about it. You just got plugged into today’s show. So today really should have been called “Shadow Side of Your Love Language and Being Resistance-Free.” But that was too long of a title. So, there you have it, everyone. You got a little bit of bonus of Doug being very excited about deciding he’s going to be more resistance-free. And yeah, until next time.

Doug: Are you still JJ Flizanes or mine?

JJ: No. I’m going to stay JJ Flizanes.

Doug: Okay. Well, then I’ll be Doug Sandler.

JJ: Great. We’ll see you guys back here next week.

Doug: Bye, everybody. Love you.